Brain Disinfectant
2026 check-up. I recently asked ChatGPT what Hannah Horvath would do.
Yes, you’re reading that right, I typed into ChatGPT “what would Hannah Horvath do in this situation?” to seek SOLACE. There’s a lot to unpack on how I got here, which I won’t go too deep into. Essentially, I took a page from Aidan La Poche’s Dennis and experimented with using ChatGPT as a bit of a therapist. I’ve been in therapy for 8 years and have recently moved down to the lowest level of care I’ve ever had. And that’s good, right?! I’m doing well! Yes, until a situation arises and the monthly check-ins with my therapist feel like they might never suffice.
Obviously, a mentally sane person wouldn’t turn to ChatGPT to seek advice…or maybe it’s just the world we’re living in. I wrote a research paper last year about people who fell in love with AI chatbots, and one of the company’s slogans has stayed with me ever since. “Always here to talk. Always on your side” is the phrase that appears in bold on the website for the AI companion tool, Replika. Always on your side is the bone-chilling reason why I think I chose to consult AI in recent crisis. Talking to a therapist, friends, or family requires a level of self-reflection I wasn’t willing to put in. But the issue I ran into was that ChatGPT wasn’t necessarily on my side, no matter how far I tried to manipulate the “conversation.” So in a moment of pure desperation, I asked ChatGPT to answer me as if I were Hannah Horvath.
When googling Hannah Horvath’s traits, some of the first things to come up are “self-obsessed but self-aware” and “even her self-loathing is narcissistic.” Asking an AI chatbot to refer to me as a character that pathetic required a long, hard look in the mirror. And I’ll even admit that ChatGPT asked if I wanted to be referred to as Season 1 or Season 6 Hannah, and I replied “1.” I mean, I’m only 23…?! But setting the record straight, I didn’t take ChatGPT’s relatively stupid advice, whether it was addressing “me” or “Hannah Horvath.” I slammed my laptop shut, knowing I’m not gonna eat the poison AI apple more than I already have, and recognizing the Hannah in me is possibly a baby step towards self-actualization.
I think this embarrassingly dark moment was what I needed after all. I’ve been in a bit of a rut; I haven’t been reading or writing, choosing to scroll myself into oblivion so much so that I DMd a TikTok “manifester.” Again, so goddamn embarrassing, but just to make it clear, we didn’t make it past “hello.” I’ve been forgetful this month. I’ve spent more time with my earbuds in than out most days. Sometimes I’ll eat popcorn or toast for dinner. I’ve been living in my Free City sweatpants with the lame excuse that I’m dressing like Nicole Richie in the early 2000s. I’ve watched an entire season of TV in one sitting multiple times this past month. Most days, my Prozac sits on the dresser collecting dust.
Though, just to be clear, this hasn’t been the entire tune to my month or year. Many things have been absolutely great, and I’m making strides in ways I didn’t know I could. But I couldn’t move forward without addressing the present reality, and the only way I know how to start is by writing this. Yes, this could’ve been a journal entry meant for my eyes only. It probably would’ve been better that way. But for someone who has dreamed of being a writer in some capacity, I had to make it public. Maybe you can relate, or maybe just laugh at how lame I am, I don’t care. For now, I’m just turning on Madonna and taking my recently purchased super scrubber to my shower while pretending it’s my brain.
Spring is coming sooner than we know.
"bone chilling" is an apt way to describe the absence of of expansion that can happen when mind is co-created with another mind. This is a very timely discussion.
Sometimes you just need someone to be on your side, even if it’s Chat. PS lmk if the super scrubber works